JAMMY JINGLE — WORKSHOP TECHNICIAN, GRADE 7

Employee File · Ref. #JJ-38-B · HR Division 3

ON RECORD

The following statements were provided by the employee. Content has not been edited for tone. HR has been notified.

01.

I have worked at the workshop for fifteen years. I did not choose this. I am good at it. These two facts exist independently of each other and I'd appreciate it if HR would stop conflating them in my annual performance review.

02.

The machines in Sector B are my responsibility. Conveyor Belt C has a recurring issue with the third drive sprocket that management has been informed about seventeen times. I have fixed it seventeen times. I have filed seventeen incident reports. Management has filed zero responses. I fix it again. We continue.

03.

My siblings maintain an optimism about our situation that I find genuinely baffling. Jenny believes in the work. Jimmy believes in the magic of it. Jonny finds it all quietly interesting from a safe observational distance. I fix the machines that make it possible. Someone has to. I love them anyway. Don't tell them that.

04.

I was asked to include something "personal and relatable" on this website. I make coffee at 4:47 AM every morning. I take the same route to work every day. I have not called in sick in eleven years. I am unsure which of these qualifies as relatable but I have provided all of them and will not be revising this section.

05.

Jimmy started in the workshop about six years ago. He came to me with questions. He doesn't know that I specifically arranged for him to be placed in my sector so I could keep an eye on him. He thinks it was a coincidence. It was not a coincidence. He is good at the work. I have not told him this directly. I mentioned it to a conveyor belt once. The conveyor belt cannot repeat it.

06.

I was told this section should end on something "warm." Fine. The workshop smells like sawdust and machine oil and the particular cold that comes through the north-facing vents. I have been breathing that smell for fifteen years. I do not hate it. When it's very quiet at end of shift and the machines are cooling down and you can hear the wind outside — there is something that happens. I don't have a word for it. That is as warm as I get.

⚙ EMPLOYEE RECORD — NORTH POLE MANUFACTURING — HR DIVISION 3 — CONFIDENTIAL

Employee ID

JJ-001-B

Full Name

James Ambrose Jingle

Department

TOY MANUFACTURING · SECTOR B

Classification

WORKSHOP TECHNICIAN, GRADE 7

Years of Service

Hire Date

JAN 03, 2009

Complaints Filed

47 (all documented)

Commendations

3 (1 disputed)

Sick Days Used

0 (15 years)

Violations on Record

Current Status

EMPLOYED (ONGOING)

Attitude Assessment

SEE MEMO #041

Years on Floor

Uninterrupted

Repairs Logged

400+

All documented

Incident Reports

Filed correctly

Sick Days

Ever

Sector B Rating

Grade level

Smiles Given

—

Insufficient data

Active Assignment · Sector B · Mechanical

THE WORK

Current assignment and duties. This is the section I actually agreed to write without revisions.

Jammy working on a large machine in a dimly lit workshop

⚙ Asset #CB-03 — Conveyor Belt Drive System — Active Repair — 14:22

Current Assignment

TOY ASSEMBLY LINE B
MECHANICAL MAINTENANCE

Specialties

GEAR CALIBRATION
CONVEYOR SYSTEMS
GENERAL REPAIRS
PRETENDING NOT TO CARE

Certifications

NP INDUSTRIAL SAFETY LVL 4
PNEUMATIC SYSTEMS LVL 3
PRECISION INSTRUMENT CALIBRATION

Shift Hours

05:00 – 17:00 (STANDARD)
05:00 – 22:00 (Q4 SURGE)
05:00 – ???? (DECEMBER)

Personal Tools

TORQUE WRENCH (PERSONAL)
CALIBRATION KIT #3
THE GOOD SCREWDRIVER
(HANDS OFF)

Performance Rating

EXCEEDS EXPECTATIONS
(ANNUALLY, SINCE 2011)

Official portrait. HR requested a smile. HR was informed this is my face. Conversation concluded.

⚙ PERSONNEL PROFILE — JJ-001-B

Name

James "Jammy" Jingle

Age

Position

Workshop Tech, Grade 7

Location

14 Tinsel Lane, North Pole

Wake Time

04:30 (daily, no exceptions)

First Coffee

04:47 AM

Commute

Same route. 18 minutes. 19 in snow.

Drink

Black coffee. Always black.

Ice Fishing

Before dawn. Alone. Don't ask.

Radio

Classic rock. In the truck only.

Holiday Music

Tolerance: 0.6/10

Siblings

Jenny, Jimmy, Jonny. All fine.

NOTE ON THIS SECTION:

Q: Why did you build this website?

Management said I "need an online presence." I was not asked if I wanted one. I was told to have one. This is the result of that conversation. You're welcome.

Q: Is there anything you want people to know about you?

No. But I was told this section required an answer. So: I fix things that are broken. I show up when I say I will. I do the work correctly. That is what I want people to know. If that sounds like a job description, I consider that a coincidence.

Q: What would you say to someone just starting out?

Listen to the machines. They tell you what's wrong before they fail. Document everything. Fix the cause, not the symptom. And don't touch the screwdriver in the top-right drawer of the red toolbox.

Internal Comms · Sector B Notice Board

NOTICE BOARD

Filed memos, standing notices, and correspondence. All items are genuine. Some were filed more than once.

FILED

MEMO #041

Re: Smiling — General Clarification

Smiling is not mandatory. It was never mandatory. This has been confirmed by HR. Please stop asking. I will smile at an appropriate juncture of my choosing. This memo constitutes notice that that juncture has not yet occurred.

— J. Jingle, Lead Mechanic

FINAL

MEMO #044

Re: Break Room Beverages

Effective the date of this posting: the break room hot cocoa dispenser has been replaced with a Mr. Coffee. Black. No sugar. No creamers. No flavored pods. "But I liked the cocoa" is not a formal complaint and will not be treated as one.

— Management (me, in this context)

URGENT

MEMO #039

Re: Workshop Speaker System

Whoever keeps connecting their phone to the workshop speakers to play Christmas carols before 8 AM: I have unplugged it five times. I will continue to unplug it. This is not a negotiation. This is a statement of fact.

— J.

NOTED

MEMO #046

Re: This Website

I was told I need an online presence. I have created one. This is my formal compliance. The website exists. It contains information. Nothing on it should be described as "fun." I would appreciate it if management would note that I have completed this task and is therefore concluded.

— Jammy, under protest

DENIED

MEMO #038

Re: Photography in the Workplace

Jenny. Please stop taking candid photographs of me while I am working. I do not need to be documented. I am not a historical landmark. I am a mechanic holding a wrench. The expression on my face is not newsworthy. Thank you.

— Your oldest brother

CLOSED

NOTICE — ICE FISHING

Ice Fishing — Availability and Policy

Available: Any Saturday before dawn from November through March. Participants: One (1). This is not a group activity. I fish alone. The silence is the point. Requests to join will be declined. This is not personal. It is logistical. There is only one chair.

— J. Jingle

Image Archive · Selected Documentation

DOCUMENTATION

Photographic record. Most of these exist because someone else had a camera. Captions are accurate. Click to enlarge.

DOC-01 TUESDAY. ANOTHER ONE.

DOC-02 EMPLOYEE OF THE DECADE. APPARENTLY.

DOC-03 MANDATORY. NOT CONSULTED.

DOC-04 THIS IS FINE.

DOC-05 SECTOR B. SPROCKET. AGAIN.

DOC-06 END OF SHIFT. FINALLY.

DOC-07 MONDAY.

DOC-08 JENNY ARRANGED THIS. I SHOWED UP.

DOC-09 LUNCH. ALONE. PREFERRED.

DOC-10 HR WANTED A SMILE.

DOC-11 17:00. CLOCKING OUT. I WALK FAST.

DOC-12 JIMMY MADE US GO OUTSIDE. LIGHTS WERE GOOD.

VIEW FULL ARCHIVE →

Sector B · Compliance · Posted Annually

WORKPLACE SAFETY

These have been posted in Sector B since 2011. They remain applicable. If they apply to you, you know who you are.

Protect Your Hearing

Especially from the workshop speakers before 8 AM. Industrial-grade earplugs are available in the cabinet by the north door. I keep extras. You're welcome.

Know Your Tools

Every tool in this shop has a place. If you move my 3/8" ratchet we will have a conversation. It will be brief. The answer will be no. Put it back.

Report Hazards Immediately

Fill out an incident report. File it correctly. Put it in the blue folder marked "OUTSTANDING — SECTOR B." Not the red folder. The blue folder. This has been explained seventeen times.

Take Scheduled Breaks

Preferably alone. With a metal lunchbox. In the parking lot. With the truck radio on. Fifteen minutes. No small talk. This is not antisocial. It is maintenance. You maintain the equipment. Maintain yourself.

Do Not Exceed Rated Loads

This applies to machinery and to conversation. Do not ask me how I am if you do not want an accurate answer. I will give you an accurate answer. You will find it excessive.

Emergency Exits Are Marked

I know all of them. The loading dock is fastest. The roof hatch is for actual emergencies. "Mandatory morale events" are not emergencies by OSHA definition. However, I will be using the roof hatch.

Related Personnel · Filed Under: Family

PEOPLE I'M RELATED TO

Official descriptions. Factually accurate. Any warmth implied is incidental and should not be cited in any formal document or referenced at family gatherings.

JENNY · 27 · SIBLING #2

Talks constantly. Means well. Is usually right, which is an annoying combination. Calls every Tuesday. I pick up. She doesn't ask why I always pick up. We both know why.

jennyjingle.com →

JIMMY · 24 · SIBLING #3

The enthusiastic one. Good with his hands — he had to learn from somewhere. Refuses to slow down. Treats every shift like it's still exciting. I used to find this exhausting. I have revised my position. Don't tell him.

jimmyjingle.com →

JONNY · 17 · SIBLING #4

Quiet. Observant. Understands things without being told. I gave him headphones when he was ten so the world would stop being too loud for him. He uses them every day. That's all I have to say about that.

jonnyjingle.com →

JAMMY · 38 · SIBLING #1 · THIS SITE

I was asked to include a self-description. You're on my website. Draw your own conclusions. I would add that I fix things and show up and make the coffee. That is my self-description.

— listed for completeness

Jammy, Jenny, and Jimmy in the kitchen on Christmas morning

Kitchen. Christmas morning. I made the coffee. Nobody thanked me. That's fine. I didn't do it for thanks.

04:47 AM. Same route. 18 minutes.

Ice fishing. Before dawn. Population: 1.

Diagnostic Readout · Unit JJ-38 · Live

CURRENT OPERATIONAL STATUS

Real-time assessment. Values updated when relevant. Do not read anything into the Hidden Warmth metric. It's a calibration artifact.

DIAGNOSTIC — UNIT JJ-38 — SECTOR B — LIVE

TOLERATING

Patience

5.5

Caffeine Level

9.0

Enthusiasm

1.2

Mech. Aptitude

Holiday Music

0.6

Reliability

Hidden Warmth

—

Social Energy

1.8

Sector B. Jimmy. He asked a good question. I answered it. We didn't make it a thing.

ANGRY

PROUD

PEACEFUL

DECEMBER

SAD

INNER MONOLOGUE — CURRENT

"That sprocket's going again. I can hear it from here. Management won't approve the parts order until Thursday, which means it runs rough until Thursday, which means the stuffing machine catches the vibration and jams the left feeder, which means I fix the stuffing machine on Friday, which I have predicted in writing, with annotated diagrams, twice. ...Jimmy left half a sandwich in the break room with my name on it. He knows I forget to eat during crunch. I didn't say anything. He didn't make it a thing. Good."

ANXIOUS

CONFUSED

ALONE

RARE

MONDAY

OFF SHIFT

JAMMYJINGLE

JAMMY
JINGLE